Jod...

You can write here if you don't speak Croatian
sonny
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Jod...

Post by sonny »

Think so ? ;)
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Barrie@Ardent

Jod...

Post by Barrie@Ardent »

[QUOTE=Getz]Why R U all (including me) writing in english....when there are no foreign people on this forum that read these posts ? :lol: :lol: :lol:[/QUOTE]


bulshit :whistling:






im from wales UK :thumbup:
sonny
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Winnie the ...

Post by sonny »

:kid:

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Ben what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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Jod...

Post by kill »

:lol: :lol:
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sonny
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Post by sonny »

:cool:

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!".

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works every time!!
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Post by sonny »

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat ugly slag'”.


And another one :

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse... "Darn it ELAINE!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Dangerous Scenario....

Post by Schultz »

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?


(Scroll down for answer.)

























Answer:
Get off the children's merry-go-round; you're drunk
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Jesus saves

Post by sonny »

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
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Jod...

Post by walbandon »

I heard that one years ago, and it' s goood
http://www.walbandon.com /// FREE AVAST --> www.walbandon.com/avast
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Post by Schultz »

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND



The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Jod...

Post by kill »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

good one :notworthy:
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Post by walbandon »

all I have to say is LoooLL..goodd onneee
http://www.walbandon.com /// FREE AVAST --> www.walbandon.com/avast
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Post by Schultz »

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist!

I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!

I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.

I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
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sonny
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Jod...

Post by sonny »

Extraordinary :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Stupid Cinderella

Post by sonny »

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
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